Dear future historian,
I still haven't managed consistency with your letters.. but believe me, I'm trying. I have a test next week and I'm studying. I'll tell you all about it next week. For now I want to focus on anxiety again.
I was watching Jordan Peterson's family update video, that he did some days ago with his daughter, and part of it was his description of severe anxiety attacks and akathisia..
It's actually been 3 days that am trying to write to you. The first day I didn't find any time. (Note to self: what if the goal of everyday entries are too much for me at the moment?)
Day 2, yestrday I fell asleep -3 hours before my bedtime- typing on my phone to you. And don't assume for a second that I'm bored of my 'letters' to you. But I just was so tired. I'm a bit nervous lately, and I've been going up and down a lot, so end up being very tired all the time. (Note to self: maybe write in the morning, before I get so tired..
- ..
- I know I'm not a morning type but you can't 'not be a morning person' and the fall asleep at 8:30pm..)
So.. let's start over.. again and again. Where were we?
Oo yeah, in Peterson fight with the Dragon of Chaos. Well. I mostly mentioned that because I was pacing a lot lately. Struggling to sit down to read and write. Even watching videos seam too static some days.
So, when Peterson and every Peterson has opinions and suggestions about why people can get out of a bad loop, or whatever.. I mean, I was just wondering if in his new book -after his latest 'adventure'- he'll give more consideration into mental health issues, and how much they can affects someone's ability to fight Dragons. And people around usually make things worse, at least Peterson recognises that.
Ok not that he hasn't talked about people's struggles.
But when he speaks about personal responsibility, sometimes, he sounded judgmental. Or maybe it's just me. Eitherway, these thoughts, after his new video, was a reminder of my interpretation of Jesus' Ethics. A mindset that I never found, in any Church, in my 20 years of being in many of them. Except my mum. She is the one how helped me see it.
So.. words like Peterson's, about the personal responsibility for our condition, are only useful when they are used for personal encouragement.
The minute they become, or are interpreted as, a judgment -whether that is from other people or by ourselves/about ourselves- that minute they become petrifying, its then what Jesus mean by the parable of the prodigal son, or when he says: Matthew 7:4. How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' while there is still a beam in your own eye?'
Long story short, if I let my self judgment perfidy me, I'll never write another word.
But on the other hand, if I don't motivate myself with the knowledge that I can indeed fight Dragons.. then I won't write another word.
It's a matter of balance I sepose.
But it is not easy.
It's not easy my dear future historian to find that balance.
Many times it's just that BoJack feeling left..
I mean sometimes, the people around us.. fail to -absorbed by, or in an attempt to get away of, their own problems- help us find the best in us. In days like this I find that stories help the most.. to restore faith in humanity and my self.
And.. well.. then I biggin again.. hug a Tree, and start over. Fighting the Dragons.
P.S. I. The new cover of my book just arrived.
It looks amazing. It is totally elevating looking through these trees. I love it.
P.S. II. I need to finally make a realistic plan for you, my dear future historian, so I can be consistent. But please give me a couple of weeks before I work on that.
P.S III. I'll try to elaborate on all that at some point, because I am not sure I make much sense atm ( = 'at the moment' )
Stay safe and take care.
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