Dear future historian,
I decided to take the risk and announce that I will try -just try for now- to write every other day, actually every even number date of the calendar, at least by midnight. At least till uni starts.
Today I thought to share with you the list that I mentioned** I did, b4* my diagnosis, of 'why I think I am autistic.'
Post-diagnosis (the official one) is a time for re-telling -without any doubt anymore- my whole life's story for me now, so I am in a reading-old-files/diaries mode.
*(before)
My evaluation notes:
1. I was sucking my thumb till I was 13 years old.
2. As a toddler I was always speaking for myself in the 3rd person.
3. I stuttered till I was 15, and still do when I'm stressed.
4. I get obsessed with TV series, books and games. I listen to the same song for ages.
5. I steam (rocking, nail biting, chewing necklace, etc.).
6. I had meltdowns till my 30s, but as the years pass, I've learned the patterns of my triggers, to prevent them.
7. I had/have ‘ritual routines.’ For example, I had to walk on the pavement/floor pattern in a specific way, wear my cloths is a specific way, perform everyday tasks in a specific order.
8. OCD symptoms and germaphobia. I need to check 4 times if I shut the door of my car/house/fridge.
9. As a child I never played with other kid's toys – when they offered. I carried everywhere my own toys, because I got very attached with toys and I couldn't handle that I then had to give them back.
10. At school I was bullied, and I couldn't understand why.
11. At school free play and breaks where very stressful, because I couldn't interact with my peers.
12. I always felt a strong urge to resist any orders/demands.
13. I always felt, and was often described as, odd and different.
14. Eye contact makes me uncomfortable.
15. I need a warning before physical contact.
16. I don't know when is my turn to speak in a conversation.
17. I don't always understand when someone is friendly or not.
18. Many times, I don't understand sarcasm and I hate practical jokes.
19. Sometimes people tell me that I'm rude, but I can't understand why.
20. I don't understand why sometimes people tell me that ‘I share too much’.
21. I have a very hard time remembering faces and names of people that I don't know very well. This has caused me difficulties many times in working environments.
22. I am very sensitive to criticism.
23. I get very stressed when I have to talk with anyone that I don't know (tills/customers service/etc.).
24. I can hear extremely well, and that causes me sensory overload ever since I was a child.
25. I can listen/pay attention to many conversations at the same time.
26. Background noises don't let me focus.
27. People all the time tell me that I either speak too softly or too loudly.
28. Some textures of foods and smells/odours make me sick.
29. If some food is a mix of staff then I eat each of them separately, because otherwise I don't ‘understand’ the flavour.
30. I struggle to keep my concentration in very bright light.
31. I never feel the sense of hunger. Sometimes I crave for some flavours, but often I have to remind myself to eat.
32. Tight clothes make me feel sick.
33. I get extremely effected by cold but not effected at all by hot weather.
34. I can easily stay awake for 48 hours.
35. I always find patterns everywhere and I notice details that others don't. But at the same time, I miss staff that are for others obvious.
36. I love organising staff and making lists and I love collections.
37. I often walk on my toes.
38. I can’t stay put in one spot for long. I get very agitated when it is necessary to do so. This is an issue when I study or watch a movie.
39. I am extremely clumsy. I drop staff all the time, struggle with balance, never managed to drive a motorcycle.
40. I have high tolerance in pain, but zero tolerance in tickling.
41. I can get very focused when doing a task. But also too easily distracted. If someone stops/interrupts me while I'm doing something then I get a headache. At the same time, I can return to a conversation, precisely where it was left, even after a long time in between (but most people can't follow me on that).
42. I pay a lot of attention on how a phrase sound like... I sometimes stop to think of how to put the words together so that the phrase not only makes sense, but it also has a rhythm.
43. I'm too self-aware all the time.
44. I enjoy long walks, but if I actually have to be somewhere, at a specific time, I get very stressed.
45. I prefer to do everything by myself. I hate team games.
46. Filling paperwork forms, cooking new recipes and public transport, cause me anxiety.
47. I hate surprises and can handle a change much better if I know in advance that/what is happening.
48. I never feel that I can relax, not because I don't feel safe... I just don't know how.
49. I am diagnosed with dyslexia and visual stress. In the past I had depression and anxiety symptoms.
50. Now, with the lockdown, I was so happy to stay home. It has really boosted my productivity and mood.
Note to self: you need new photos for the blog.
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