What's wrong with me?

Dear future historian,

 

There is something very weird going on with me. I don’t know if it’s my neurodiversity or whatever.. but I noticed it yesterday.

So, I was reading a small thought experiment, not designed to make you decide or question something, just asks you to focus on you bodily sensations, as you hear a story you are supposed to star in.

It's your birthday, and the whole day is a disaster, from one unpleasant surprise to the next, but at the end your friends through you a surprise party. And.. how did each incident made us feel, in our body.. specifically. The practice required very detailed attention on sensations.

And then I suddenly realized.. the pleasant surprise at the end.. felt worse!! Like, it felt like a slap, more than when I was asked to imagine that my wallet was missing. Like if, with every obstacle in the visualization, I felt that I can still make it, I can fix it, I can work on it. But the happy surprise.. that made me freeze and I had no idea how to react to such a feeling.

Not long after, mum came in the living room, and hugged me telling me -randomly- how proud she is for my book. My first thought was ‘what? It’s been since about May mum, you read it like.. 3 times already, and you’ve hugged me about it like.. 10 times by now.’ I smiled awkwardly. Only from my kids I seam to take kind words seriously.

Anyway.. I need to go. And find a way to stop sabotaging receiving love. And hug a tree.

P.S.1 Most ants are gone. I also dropped some soda powder in the middle. I am so clumsy that one third of my time in the kitchen is fixing some kind of mess I did by dropping something for example. Also I love my new coffee-thermos-Tardis-blue thing.

P.S.2 Did you check my book yet? Did you leave a review? Did you talk with anyone about it?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B087SHC1MM/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Stay safe and take care.