The Drama Triangle

 Dear future historian,

 

I wrote about Gaslighting last time.

Very difficult matter to comment on.

I’m still struggling to put order into the Chaos of the so called ‘female hero myth,’ as Jordan Peterson puts it. The frog/Prince. The brainwashing of narratives that you can transform a narcissist if you love him enough. (Tried that. Not working.)

I read a book about co-dependantancy lately and now I’m reading one about the Drama Triangle.

The co-dependant issue was addressed by a non-academic lady with abundance of empathy. Apparently, I should have a tattoo on my forehead or a big arrow-hat with flashlights that reads ‘Warning: Co-dependant.’ Or maybe I should ‘get a life’ instead. Whatever.

The first time I realised my co-dependency issues, and decided I will say ‘No, I can’t help you’ (when I feel I have no energy to help) was what led Yiannis to die. 

How am I supposed to take that leap of faith now, and learn to set boundaries? Especially when now I’m a carer. I should ‘just shut up and keep swimming.’

The Drama Triangle is more academic and more brutally honest describing the absence of incense in all participants of the ‘Game.’ It even names as ‘Vampire’ the one that takes the martyr role! A narcissistic friend I have, who is too intelligent to not reflect with honesty on his behavioural patterns, once admitted that he sometimes sees himself as a Vampire. Needing to literally suck people’s energy in order to survive. What if thought the book is right? What if the Martyr is the bloodsucking one??

Do I want to dismiss the severity of an actual victim? Under no circumstances I would do that. There are people everywhere that actually suffer and are martyrs with every sense of that word. And, I have the deepest empathy for them. They are the real heroes.

What about people like me though? I played the Drama Triangle Game all my life.

And, if I believe the book’s comment, that all players are competing to go to the victim’s role... then I have to give credit to myself. I’m actually really good at keeping the desired position in that game.

For the unfamiliar ones, the Drama Triangle claims to be ‘the main Game in the World.’

There are three player positions. Imagine a reverse pyramid.

On the bottom corner is the victim position.

The top angles have the Prosecutor and the Rescuer.

The game can go indefinitely, and the players might shift their positions in the triangle, even within the same ‘battle.’

The goal? To justifiably gain and maintain the victim role; though the ones that tend towards the prosecutor will consciously deny their envy of the victim more than the others.

I talked about these thoughts with my psychologist today. How I still feel guilty for being a victim and on one hand I would like to write more about gaslighting awareness (because most stuff online about it are about obviously abusive relationships) and how ‘it doesn’t have to be too bad to be bad. On the other hand, I feel that the awareness should be focusing on the toxicity of the relationship, not on portraying the narcissist as a monster.

It is so important to demystify the ‘female hero myth’ and to make it clear that thinks will NOT get better. Not ever. That love is not enough to transform. (That’s the saddest thing ever.) That this is toxic and will rote anyone involve.

What if though this does not have to be by portraying the ‘prosecutor’ as a monster? What if all participants of the game take responsibility for playing it... and, face reality realistically? What if the one that identifies with the victim role (i.e., me) just admits that this kind of relationships are toxic for all participants and stop blaming and start adulting (or something?)

I used to think that the ones that had frogs that didn’t transform just didn’t love them enough.

I did.

I really did.

It didn’t work.

What if though I need to get out of the Drama triangle instead of keep playing in my head the ‘poor little me’ story?

Yes, there are real victims out there.

Yes, in a way I was one myself.

But, maybe I wasn’t ‘his’ victim. Maybe we were both victims of mental health issues, family trauma and deceiving narratives.

Maybe I can use that experience to write new narratives, for you my Dear Future Historian.

P.S. I wish there was instruction manual for life and relationships.