Dear future historian,
Some days I feel empty, like all my energy has been used. Like fatigue is stronger than me. These days I've learned to start over, to begin again.
About 10 years ago, I was living in Thessaloniki, Greece, up on hill, about 30 minutes walking distance from the centre. I frequently took long walks, with my baby girl in a slink. One day I met my mum, went out for a walk in the centre, then went to a play area for quite some time, then started walking up the hill, home. On the way I suddenly realised that it has been more than 6 hours since the last time I ate anything, and the baby hasn't stopped breastfeeding, and I feel like passing out. Half way home I felt like I couldn't make another step. That was as far as my limits can take me.
I started dragging myself, and with each step I was telling to myself the story of how many hours I am walking, and then in the next step, I was adding that distance again in my head, by retelling that story. And all these steps piled up an imaginary, subconscious fake distance, that drained my energy in a logarithmic increasing way. Another advance of ‘proper overthinking' is that it helps with spotting this kind of subconscious mind games.
I stopped. Took a few deep breaths. Then I decided to forget the past steps. Focus on the moment. Have a ‘tourist gaze' and begin again, start over and over, on each step. As if it is the first one. The moments that my mind begged for some counting, I let it count how many steps to home, not how many we've done so far.
And my energy returned. And was renewed every time I was starting over. And I got home. And my life was never the same again.
From that day I knew how to ‘keep going.’ And it works every time.
Of course, some days I just refuse to stop telling myself the list of my reasons to assume that my energy is gone. ‘It must be' my mind insists.
But it's not to trick me. Nor to harm me in any way. It's just that my mind is trained in that linear time mind-set. Where an endless source of energy is unthinkable. How can I demand my mind to think of something unthinkable?
Not to mention the inherent guilt that I mentioned yesterday. That hides behind most self-sabotage behaviours.
Sam Harris reminded me of that day.
It is times like that, my dear future historian, that I like to reassure my mind, by writing about all that. Because sometimes, it is our time to be the one telling our story, to our minds. Sometimes our minds need that. And you'll be surprised by a minds willingness to listen to a good story.
PS. Remember to tell a good inspirational story to yourself when your energy is gone, or whenever you need to.
Stay safe and take care
Photo by me.
Thessaloniki, Navarinou square
PS2. Have you seen my book yet?
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