On free will

08:44pm

Dear future historian,

 

I had lovely walks in the last two days. I know everyone is boiling, but I love this whether. I am usually cold and because I get sensory issues with cloths, I need to wear many layers to not be cold, and then I get claustrophobic in my own skin (actually cloths.) In this weather finally I feel free, with just one layer.

But I feel guilty to enjoy this heat. One, because I feel ‘I am enjoying global warming,’ which is a terrible phrase to be in someone’s head. Second, because everyone else is suffering. And that’s my most selfish reason of why I want other people to be happy. For some reason any enjoyment I feel gets spoiled if I sense that this is related with someone else’s discomfort. I have thought many times about that. Especially when I watch in some movies, or in the news, some super-villain (obviously enjoying the suffering they cause.)

You see, my dear future historian, what kind of credit can anyone ‘good’ can get if in the depth of their motives is nothing but altruism, just a tendency of personal unsatisfaction when met with other people’s suffering.

Jordan Peterson’s explanation on that -I don’t remember where- is that the ‘villain,’ at some point (probably in early childhood) took a decision to not listen to their voice of consciousness, and that spiralled into perversion, or something. Not sure I fall for that. For sure genetic and environmental influences are involved. I can see in my story how they are.

I was told -as a child- that I deserve to go to hell, but Jesus has saved me and stuff. It was always implied though that he has the power and right to change his mind any time. He can also read all of my thoughts, conscious and subconscious, and he can see anything I do. Most deniers of Christianity around me believed in Karma. So, it looked there is no way out of ethics, one way or the other. Try not to listen to your consciousness under these circumstances.

As I was growing up, I couldn’t but notice how my mother’s kindness opened doors for her, and how negative people meet struggles even waiting in a queue. Again, with the data I had, I wouldn’t exactly call it a choice, choosing to not be 'bad.'

For sure I am not choosing to not enjoy the weather because no one else does. No one seems to care when I am freezing in the winter anyway. So, this goes beyond ethics, this is just happening to me.

I think I have talked to you about how much I hate the idea of free-will-denial, no matter how well Sam Harris thinks he explains it (he does, quite well actually.) Yet he thinks he manages to combine -without them contradicting each other, well, I still think they do- the idea of no-free-will with the idea of buy-my-mindfulness-programme-because-self-improvement-is-still-available. Bless him! I got his app and podcast for free (for a year, anyone can ask for a free year,) and I do listen to him. I really like his points in most aspects.

But even if I wrote the first 527 words today supporting his argument.. I will still not accept it. Even if we don’t have free will, we should fight to get one. Even if we are predetermined, even if we are just products of our genes/environment/whatever, we still need to fight to get free will. That’s what writers do, that’s what legends do, that’s what heroes do, that’s what humanity has been doing before even we manage to control fire. Funny how gods got so upset when this happened, in Greek mythology. In the bible also god got really really mad after the first humans got the knowledge of good and evil. What is that with gods becoming devouring mothers? Anyway.

Back to my point. With some weird way, that could probably be explained if we knew 5 dimensions physical laws or something, we can’t really take credit for anything good we do. Yet we can’t blame anyone for anything bad we do. At the same time, we can’t blame anyone for anything bad they do either. As their influences can be easily identified. Yet anything good should be rewarded.

It sounds like a joke, but Peterson is right. (I don’t have a link because I don’t remember exactly where that is, I’ve seen/read almost all of his work.) For some crazy reason, the people I met living with these principals were happier and more energetic.

And now combine with all that free will, and the hero myth, and you get all the basic someone needs to know.

Yet.. but.. still.. 

Why can’t I enjoy, the weather I like?

How, just please, my dear future historian, tell me how, if anyone ever found a real answer, how does the theory of ‘I decide with my free will to enjoy,’ becomes not just theory?

This is one of my main quests.

But it looks like we won’t solve that today. I need to go again.

Why do you think that I am stressed? I don't get it!