Adulting (and support network)

Dear future historian,

Bitter sweet today (29/07/2020).. My only 3 friends in the city are leaving. 'Party' night, but with the separation sadness. It's not that I am alone, I have my mum and my kids, but it's nice to have a wide support network. And now my friends will leave, and it's not like the pandemic leaves many opportunities to meet new people. So, now I have no one nearby to have a 'socially-distance' meeting.. only FB** calls.

Most of my friends are in the sea side in Greece and I hate them anyway.  😛

I would be in Greece too now, we had plain tickets for a trip to Thessaloniki. We cancelled after the lockdown. We live in weird times. Yet, as humans, what we do best is to adapt. And we will. And life will go on. Hopefully with us.

'The ultimate Truth' Short story

‘What it would take you to believe that you have found the ultimate Truth?’ His interlocutor asked our protagonist.

That was the stupidest question he ever heard, he thought. Yet, his initial impression, of the obviousness he thought the answer had, faded away when he couldn’t find any words to form it.

‘Well, everyone’, he heard himself say, without being sure of what his next sentence would be, ‘has different standards to that question, influenced by their character, their environment and their experiences. No one can really be objective. I don’t even trust what would convince me as the ultimate Truth. In order to really make a believer out of me, I have to have multiple people’s accounts; people that I will know every little detail about them.’

My self-diagnosis notes

Dear future historian,

I decided to take the risk and announce that I will try -just try for now- to write every other day, actually every even number date of the calendar, at least by midnight. At least till uni starts.

Today I thought to share with you the list that I mentioned** I did, b4* my diagnosis, of 'why I think I am autistic.' 

Post-diagnosis (the official one) is a time for re-telling -without any doubt anymore- my whole life's story for me now, so I am in a reading-old-files/diaries mode.

Existential terror crises

Dear future historian,

 

24/07/2020

1:41pm

I am having a small existential terror crisis, Steven-Fryed induced, bless him. So, remember the ‘Victorian secrets?’ Apparently, the Spiritual movement started as a ripple effect, by some ‘Fox sisters,’ that fraud people using.. sound effects (!) to convince ppl* they communicate with ghosts. So.. you know, then YouTube algorithm suggested Fry's documentary, that he speaks about being bipolar and gives a brief description of how the manic episodes manifest differently on each person; in some it can be something like a religious fever, or god-syndrome, or.. spirituality obsession. Then Sam Harris in a podcast the other day talked about fraud-gurus..

Post-diagnosis

Dear future historian,

There is a tiny numbness, after my diagnoses. But it is not caused by it. Quite the opposite. I feel like if the un-officiality of my self-diagnosis (not to mention the years of ignorance b4* that,) had deeply affected my understanding of myself and my needs.

Many people don’t understand the reason to seek a piece of paper to make it official. Others don’t even understand why someone would get to the trouble of research to self-diagnose. And all reactions are valid. I am only sharing my story, in the hope to help create, for you my dear future historian, a more inclusive world.

Intergalactic cable, or penguins?

Dear future historian,

 

My need to dedicate my journals to.. someone, started in my teens. I was raised in a born-again Christian family, and it was not a matter of debate whether there is any kind of privacy at all, even in my head. Both God and the devil supposed to have my brain's passwords or something, and I would have to be judged, or at least forgiven, for each thought that had questionable motives.

Thus my thoughts had a feeling of.. how do we see in the movies these interrogation rooms with the double mirror, that’s glass from the other side? And I always thought it looked silly when people used it as a mirror, as if they didn't know that they were being watched.

My autism diagnosis is finally official!

Dear Future historian,

It is finally official! Today was my assessment and I can now declare myself as proudly autistic, with a diagnosis.

Wow! About 3 years in a w8ing* list, 2 years before that till I actually take the courage to get in that list, and b4** that 34 years of ignorance.. of not knowing why I am so different from most people, and so similar to a few.

Cosmogony myth and gods' family dysfunction

The Mother-goddess and the Father-god.. were struck by the arrows of Eros (or Cubit if you prefer,) which pre-existed.

At first, their chemistry surprised even Eros himself.

Their wedding was magical. And it was a source of inspiration to songwriters and storytellers over centuries, echoing the magnificence of their union. Yet, as the "Chinese whispers" or maybe as some kind of distorting mirror, the ‘wedding’ was considered to fit at the end of a story, and gradually moved itself there.

Weeping angels survivors

Dear future historian,

Remember when I went to India in 2001 (five and a half months in a biblical school?) What happened to those journals? I think there left in Greece, in my sister's shed or something. I hope you find them. So, I was remembering India today. And that woman again that I saw two men 'casting demons' out of her, by shaking her head, violently, and blaming her screams to the demons, not their harassment. That was the moment of..

13th or 14th of July 2020

Dear future historian,

Is it 13th if you haven't sleep yet, or 14th after 12am?

Not really in the mood for much today. I get that kind of blue, every time, some days after a trip. Also a million people haven't bought my book yet, and our tickets for visiting Greece were canceled because of the pandemic.

What's wrong with me?

Dear future historian,

 

There is something very weird going on with me. I don’t know if it’s my neurodiversity or whatever.. but I noticed it yesterday.

So, I was reading a small thought experiment, not designed to make you decide or question something, just asks you to focus on you bodily sensations, as you hear a story you are supposed to star in.

It's your birthday, and the whole day is a disaster, from one unpleasant surprise to the next, but at the end your friends through you a surprise party. And.. how did each incident made us feel, in our body.. specifically. The practice required very detailed attention on sensations.

Ants, soda powder and Laura Clery

Dear future historian,

We occupied ourselves with ants in the yard today, I made a line of bicarbonate of soda outside the door. My sister said that works for ants. It kind of did actually. It was impressive. In the beginning they seemed to be even more of them than before and there were even some with wings. But in about an hour only very few were left. So we'll see how this goes.

Solipsistic pasta

Dear future historian,

Not much today. Family time. Listening to podcasts while washing dishes and doing the laundry.

Oh, I also spent some time in my uni's philosophy forum. And.. they had a topic about immortality! (I love uni.) Exploring the possibility of getting bored at some point, if you don't die! And only yesterday I was writing to you about Sisyphus. 'Is it getting Solipsistic, or is it just me!' I was also thinking the other day of a kind of pasta that I liked in Greece and that I haven't found it here.. next super market visit.. I found them! 

London, Sisyphus.. and my legs hurt

Dear future historian,

My legs ache so bad..

I walked so much yesterday. And I totally forgot that I haven't walked much after the lock-down. I just assumed my walking skills were waiting for me (and the World) to be ready. So it was kind of a surprise when I woke up today and every step hurts even more than the last one.

'The rent of existence,' like to be alive you can't just 'buy your stats' and then just put them on the side, expecting them to wait for  you, whenever you feel like it (feel like running, waking for miles in a day.. living again among people, etc.)

It's like you need to keep paying rent, or a tax or something, constantly, or the 'stats' are reduced, maybe even taken away.

Poem: If all the MEs

If all the MEs that spend the night alone could meet.. we'd have the best night ever! 

It would be a hot-summer, full-moon, clear-sky night.

We'd talk about ideas, ask for advice, do different things to our hair, watch a movie..

We'd laugh and weep and sing..

If all the MEs ever met.. maybe the World would come to an end.

It would still be a great night though!

And then I'm thinking..

Maybe happiness isn't to have someone every night to spend with..

Maybe happiness is to be in such harmony with your selves.. that if you ever met your YOUs.. it would be the best night ever!

I love the Moon

Dear future historian,

I have to travel to London in 2 days. During a pandemic!

Like, what if the Doctor was coming with the Tardis, and she landed in London during the Black death, or something. 

It's like..

About Short Stories

Dear future historian,

I didn't always appreciated short stories. They left me an uncomfortable feeling, like hearing a song for the first time. I thought that they don't give me enough time to connect with the characters, emotionally, or feel that I have enough evidence to make a certain moral judgment about them.

It was only last year that I realised the ability that short stories have to teach us how to zoom and focus in the moment, in the 'Here and Now.'

Plus I feel lately that I just can't make a long term commitment to a story atm. You see, I always spend a lot of time thinking of the characters and the plot of any novel I read. But now I have to focus on other things, quite a lot of things.

Fighting the Dragon of Chaos

Dear future historian,

I still haven't managed consistency with your letters.. but believe me, I'm trying. I have a test next week and I'm studying. I'll tell you all about it next week. For now I want to focus on anxiety again.

I was watching Jordan Peterson's family update video, that he did some days ago with his daughter, and part of it was his description of severe anxiety attacks and akathisia..

https://youtu.be/qQyhn9DPE00

Dear future historian, day 2.

Start over and over again.. and again

Dear future historian,

Some days I feel empty, like all my energy has been used. Like fatigue is stronger than me. These days I've learned to start over, to begin again. 

About 10 years ago, I was living in Thessaloniki, Greece, up on hill, about 30 minutes walking distance from the centre. I frequently took long walks, with my baby girl in a slink. One day I met my mum, went out for a walk in the centre, then went to a play area for quite some time, then started walking up the hill, home. On the way I suddenly realised that it has been more than 6 hours since the last time I ate anything, and the baby hasn't stopped breastfeeding, and I feel like passing out. Half way home I felt like I couldn't make another step. That was as far as my limits can take me.